The Holiday Mob

Thanksgiving is drawing near, and the Holiday Season has begun. The Holiday Season has some great memories for me. Unfortunately, these memories are tainted by my recent experiences with the Holiday Season.

People, who are otherwise rational, kind and generous, turn into literal monsters. They abandon their good virtues and start practicing evil behaviors. Their elbows and knees become destructive weapons. They selectively lose their hearing and forget all traffic laws.

It must be the result of the tension of buying gifts, getting the right ingredients for that perfect meal for the in-laws and dragging the kids around for their various holiday events that makes people crazy.

One year, I made the mistake of going shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. I was lured to the store by some phenomenal prices. After I was done shopping, I lost all faith in humanity. As I followed the herd of shoppers into the store at the brisk hour of 5:00 am, I was almost trampled under the feet of the horde. When I approached the areas where the good deals were found, the scenes reminded me of those jackal feeding frenzies you see on nature shows. Everyone was pushing, shoving, stomping, grabbing, biting and clawing just to get that stupid forty dollar T.V. I let go of the fear that gripped my heart and approached one of the feeding frenzies with cautiousness. At this point, I merely wanted to observe this anomaly in human behavior; however I was pushed in by an aggressive woman who looked like she could have been a kindly grandmother. I was buffeted by arms and elbows. In fact I took a good hit to the nose and it started bleeding. Out of spite, I started blowing my bloody nose on the members of the maniacal crowd. I was sucked into their bastardly behavior and started strategically throwing my own limbs around. My hands gripped the sacred item that everyone was willing to kill for. Then the pain really started. People stepped on my feet, kicked my shins, elbowed me in the head and stomach. I fell and crawled out of the group, my hands retaining a kung-fu grip on the package. An item that I really didn’t want or need was now a precious object that the mob desired.

After escaping the clutches of the blood thirsty mob, I brushed my clothes off and ran to the nearest check stand. I wiped my bloody nose on some kid’s hat as I jogged up to a poor cashier. She was stunned to see my gushing nose and commented on my swollen eye that would later turn into a beefy black eye. I made my purchase, and ran out of the store like a man who is being chased by rabid, zombie lions.

I was not feeling the peace and love that is supposed to accompany the Holidays. I hated every person in that store. I was soured for anymore holiday shopping and refused to enter any store until after the New Year.

So, my wife and I are committed to having our shopping for the Holiday’s done before Halloween rolls around. If we don’t get what we need by that time, we will just hand out cash. There are ways to avoid the Holiday mob and enjoy a warm and peaceful season.