Weddings

**Caution! This is a vent posting. Read at your own risk. If you are sensitive, do not proceed.

Yesterday, my youngest sister was united with a man of her choosing. The ceremony was spiritual and brief. The bride and groom were nervous, as evidenced by their very brief kiss after their metamorphosis to husband and wife was complete.

On the surface, everything was going well. People appeared happy for the couple and seemed to get along with each other. If you dug a bit further you would find an angry, squirmy, stinking wad of miscommunication and hurt feelings. The result: a catastrophic tragedy! No bride, groom, family member or friend should ever have to endure the emotional piss-storm that swarmed around my poor sister’s wedding.

I suppose that major life events; such as weddings, funerals, births, etc, generate stress and make people sensitive. The things that I find to be incomprehensible about the emotional cluster hug of the wedding seem epidemic among many of the Utah weddings I have participated in and attended. I find it ironic that a culture that preaches love, community, tolerance and unity abandons these high-minded ideals during weddings.

I will refrain from going into details about my experience with my sister’s wedding. I am happy for her as long as she is happy. I do want to provide more generalized comments that may directly apply to her wedding and many other weddings that I have had the misfortune of being involved in:

Ceremony: Thou shalt not hold any element of a wedding as more important than the Ceremony. As far as I am concerned, the ceremony is the ultimate, the pinnacle, the absolute element of a wedding. Any other element is secondary to the ceremony.

Traditions: Thou shalt abandon thy will to the will of the couple. Every culture has distinct wedding traditions. The value of these traditions is up to the exclusive and sole judgment of the bride and groom. There are no rules written, implied or otherwise expressed that require each tradition to be fulfilled. Nor is there a prescription as to how the tradition should be executed. No parent, sibling, family member or friend should assert their expectations about the traditions to the exclusion of the couple’s expectations. The crime is magnified exponentially when the selfish will of the person other than the couple is asserted through subversion, guilt, brow-beating or temper tantrums.

Responsibilities: Thou shalt not assume wedding responsibilities. This is a subcategory of traditions. Often, the costs of a wedding are divided between the bride’s family and the groom’s family. No family should interfere with the responsibilities that the other family is paying for, unless express permission is given. If the bride’s family is paying for a reception, than the bride’s family should manage the reception to the couple’s expectations.

Finances: Thou shalt make-do with what thou hast. Many weddings I have attended have been hosted by families that are not wealthy and/or are not willing to go into debt for a wedding. There is no reason that one family should be compelled to pay more money than they have for the wedding. Likewise, no family should feel compelled to pay for any perceived deficiencies by the other family’s financial boundaries. There is no place for condescending, self-righteous behavior. There is no place for extension beyond financial means. Basically, each family shall be satisfied with the other family’s contribution. The bride and groom should have a clear understanding of this principal. If they expect otherwise, they should pay for it by themselves.

Bridezilla: The bride has the right to react to the emotional stress caused by a wedding. Bridezilla: A word used to describe brides who are unreasonable, entitled, spoiled and angry. I am sure there are many examples of brides who behave beyond reason; but are we so self-absorbed and fragile that we have no tolerance for a young woman who is extremely stressed and emotional? The bride’s responses to stress are the direct result of how she learned to cope with difficult emotions when she was young.

Let Them Go: The couple shall figure it out on their own. Don’t hound the couple with your ‘advice’ about marital relationships. They are their own people. It doesn’t matter if you have been married for 6 months or 35 years; the bride and groom are different than you and they need to figure it out on their own. If they want your advice, let them ask for it. The wedding is the first time that they have to make important decisions together. Interference from friends and family undermines confidence and builds unhealthy co-dependence. Let them succeed or fail together. Let them figure it out. Your ‘two-cents’ adds about ‘one million dollars’ worth of additional stress and anxiety to the couple.