Real-life Zombies

I strive to remain healthy and keep all nasty viruses and bugs at bay by eating healthy foods and taking supplements. However, during the winter season, hosts of people turn into sickos, or unhealthy carriers of disease. These sickos possess less than half of their normal brain functionality and usually spend their day shuffling to and from the bathroom. They moan, sniffle and grunt. Their miserable sighs can be heard everywhere. They are slaves to a micro-biotic master. I feel it only fair to warn these people that as a result of their illness, they qualify as a Zombie and; therefore, are fair game for elimination.

Zombies always carry some horrible virus, bacteria or other contagious micro-invader that turns normal people into disgusting wretches who only focus on satisfying the demands of their illness and cannot otherwise function normally.

Now, I don’t bear ill-will toward anyone. I am peaceful and hesitate to disturb any living creature, including insects. Zombies are a different story. They are not counted among the living and present a threat to my well-being – they must be destroyed. I have seen how Zombies are dealt with in the movies and in every case, it is spectacular. Some shot-gun blasts, a grenade or two, a few swipes with a chainsaw and viola! Guiltless Carnage!

If you are sick please do not go out. Leave work/school/church and don’t come back until you can speak to me without sniffing up that stream of snot that is oozing out of your nose. Your deep, gag-inducing coughs are a call to arms for Zombie hunters. Stay home until you can purge your illness from your body and overcome being a Zombie.