Mayonnaise is not a deodorant

Last weekend, my wife and I went to a movie with my sister-in-law and her weirdo husband, I call them the “Malodors”. During the movie, I experienced the last straw in a long line assaults on my nose from this couple. They have intensely poor hygiene; as a result, the odor that they generate is powerfully unpleasant. One witness reports that the smell of sewage issues forth from Mr. Malodor’s rotten maw whenever he laughs. According to this witness, the smell is also accompanied by a pea-green mist. On this occasion, the last straw, the stink of rancid mayonnaise emitting from the Malodors was overwhelming and induced dry heaving in other members of our party.

I am dumbfounded by this couple. What compels them to become so unclean as to cause people around them to vomit? How can they stand each other? I have a difficult time understanding how they can ignore their own nauseating smell. They must just be used to it, which implies that they have a long and persistent tradition of poor hygiene.

They have achieved an epic and unimaginable body-stink that could overwhelm and kill a rhino. In this age of readily available showers and inexpensive soap and shampoo, there are no reasons to justify their poor hygiene. I can no longer be around them, as their putrid odor will always cause me to be nauseous.

My dear wife has such big heart that she claims she still loves her sister, Mrs. Malodor, and wants to stay close to her. But I think that they should be branded with a tattoo on their foreheads that declares them to be “Unclean!” and then banished from the family forever.